It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
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