I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
