Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
im calling her cock vulture from now on
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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