Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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