Where did you get a picture of my penis
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
