I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
