I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
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