This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
