Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Randomize
