I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
Well I just put wine in my tea
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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