My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Randomize
