He kissed a someone with a penis
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
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