yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
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