I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
I'm really busy with my period
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