I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
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