She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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