I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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