Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
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