You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
foreskin is a definite game changer
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Randomize
