Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Two words: blizzard sex
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
