Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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