11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
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