70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
