After last night, I could never be a politician.
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize