apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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