I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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