i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
