That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Randomize