if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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