Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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