i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Randomize
