Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
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