This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize