My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Randomize
