I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
mondays should just be called national damage control day
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
