My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
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