so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
