i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Randomize
