You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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