Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
