My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
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