I want to have your abortion
someone get that fucking seahorse.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
