It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
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