New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
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