I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
