Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
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