I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Randomize
