i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
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