I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
