Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
