and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
