Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
