how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize