you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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