i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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