you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
