tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
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