I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
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