im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Two words: blizzard sex
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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