I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
We are two peas in an std pod
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Randomize
